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Wow, I haven't posted in AGES! Anyway, I was procrastinating (again) and checked the Queen's student site, and guess what? I got accepted! I'm so happy right now! XD Not only that, if I can keep up my grades, I get a $2500 entrance scholarship! Granted, that means I have to move across the country to the small town of Kingston all alone, but... I GOT IN!!

Yeah, that's about it.

--azu

It's March first. It's fucking MARCH FIRST!! WHY IS IT SNOWING? We hardly ever get snow in Richmond. Maybe we get a little sprinkle once or twice in December and maybe early January. That's it. WE DON'T EVER SNOW IN MARCH.

Argh! I do NOT want to walk to school and back in the snow/ice/slush again. I nearly killed myself the last time the snow clouds decided to visit.

--azumi

Being in love doesn’t mean you don’t get hurt. In fact, hurting is exactly what love means. Just because the one you love loves you back doesn’t mean they won’t hurt you. Sometimes, you even welcome the pain. Because then you know that at least, they’re not hurting. And you know that you still have some worth, some purpose, for being in their life. Yes, loving hurts. It constricts your throat and you can hardly breathe from the pain in your chest as an invisible fist squeezes your heart ruthlessly and it’s all you can do to take in that breath of air. Sometimes, you’re tempted to just stop breathing entirely when it hurts like that. Then the pain would stop and you won’t ever be hurt again. But then you think of the one you love alone and hurting from losing you and it hurts even more and you know that you can never inflict that sort of pain on them. Never. You’d rather die, rather suffer a million deaths than to hurt them with your death. For them, you will face your fears, your pain, your suffering, anything. For them, you will be strong.

It doesn’t matter if they hurt you on purpose or by accident. You may get angry and upset, but as the time slips past, an hour two hours three, you ache for them body and soul. You want them to take you in their arms and erase the pain, wipe away the tears. You want them to make you warm again, whole again. To let you breathe again. And so you find yourself forgiving them, your anger slips away like water through your fingers as their absence presses in on you, slowly, like a fog. A coldness slips under your skin and slowly spreads inside, chilling you to the bones. A coldness that feels so heavy in your skin, making every single movement slow and difficult. A coldness that only the touch of the one you love can cure. The loneliness overtakes you and adds to your suffering as it sharpens the pain in your chest and you’ve never felt colder or more alone. Tears well up in your eyes and it takes all your willpower to not let them fall because you don’t want to be weak. Because there is still a part of you that knows that it wasn’t your fault, that you don’t deserve this pain, that it isn’t worth your tears.

You fight it off as best you can, the cold clutch of loneliness. Of unworthiness. You wonder if you deserve to be loved by someone like the one you love. You wonder if maybe, they’ve finally realized that they deserve better and is getting fed up with you. No matter how hard you try to shove them out, the thoughts penetrate your mind and there’s a sharp intake of breath as the pain and the cold suddenly sharpens, become crisp and clear. It’s almost unbearable now and you hold onto your arms to keep that keening, whining cry from escaping. It’s the wounded cry of an animal and you hate how weak it makes you. You hate the fact that you can not endure the pain, but you’re starting to forget why you hurt in the first place. You lose sight of the how’s and the why’s as your suffering completely overtakes you and all you can focus on is their warmth, the peace and protection they offer. Your sanctuary.

Memories of the reassuring pace of their heartbeat and soothing tone of their voice fills your mind and you reach out instinctively for it, cringing as you realize that it isn’t there. That they are still upset at you. Their cold, distant manner is salt on your wounds and as the tears fall, silently, you are willing to agree to almost anything to have their warmth back. Their smile, their happiness, that’s all that matters now. You love them, as long as they’re happy then it’s alright. You love them, so you give them everything you can. You love them, so you fear that once you do, they’ll lose interest and leave you.

And with that thought, you hurt all over again.

[from cloud_1_3_5]

Love means different things to many people - that's something we're all aware of. What we're less aware of, though, is the different ways love is shown by each other, and what means the most to each other. This doesn't just apply to love between partners - it can be a friend, a parent, a sibling or anyone. While one person may appreciate a hug more, another might see love in a simple gift.

So let's try to help ourselves out a little here - after all, I'll bet many of you haven't even considered this about yourself, much less anyone else. Maybe it'll help us understand ourselves and each other a little better.

Broadly speaking, the ways we show and most appreciate being shown love can be split into five different 'love languages'. These five are as follows:

Words of Affirmation - "I love you." "You're my best friend." "I trust you." For some people, hearing those words is the most wonderful feeling you could ask. Some say a picture can paint a thousand words, but the right words can say more than a million pictures ever could.

Physical Touch - a tender kiss, a hug when you most need it, a friendly slap on the back in greeting, or a child holding onto his father's hand. The simplest of actions can spread a warmth in a person that lasts for hours. The touch doesn't have to be intimate, even when the underlying message is.

Quality Time - A friend once said to me, "True love is when you can sit in a room with someone, even at opposite ends, not saying or doing anything, and without any background noise, and still be happy to just sit there, purely because that other special person is there." While you needn't go as far as this example, quality time together may be the thing you cherish most - the memories, the feelings, and everything else that goes with it.

Giving Gifts - think of the husband who surprises his wife with flowers, or the child that spends an entire day scouring a beach, searching for the prettiest pebble to give a parent. The gift doesn't have to be extravagant; a gift from the heart can say a lot more than a flashy car or a diamond ring. For some people, a little personal something can be what says it all.

Acts of Servitude - someone might do a job you weren't looking forward to, just so you don't have to, or you might bring them breakfast in bed on their one day off, to let them relax a while longer. People say it's the small things that count, and this covers most of them - those little acts that, if you took time to really notice them, would make you think 'how considerate'. Those little acts people do just because it's you.

All of the above apply to most people in some varying degree, but most people also have one that really stands out; that really says it in a way the rest couldn't. So what's your love language? Re-post this, putting your most important one in the title, and let's see if we can understand each other a little more.

-----

Hm... It was hard to choose one from that list, but I think Quality Time is most important to me. I can be content just to sit next to my best friends/lover doing nothing while they talked or worked or whatever.

@_@ *headdesk* I'm stuck on NaNo and I seriously doubt I'd finish this year. I'm at 31k, that's a HUGE improvement from my pathetic 700 last year. Still, can't help feeling a little disappointed.

--azu

Still doing NaNoWriMo and still torn between NaNo and the thing commonly known as life. I've pushed everything (what I can, anyway) back to December and I just hope that things will keep to be the way they are.

NaNo-wise, I did pretty well this weekend. Well, yesterday. I'm at 20252 words right now and I was 13018 on Friday night. Pretty good if I do say so myself.

Story-wise, I'm floundering. I've got a plot, that's not the problem. I just don't have much organization to it and I really feel like I'm telling more than showing. On top of that is that I don't really know these characters and they don't feel real to me yet. That really shows in my writing and I even mixed up their names several times today. If my own characters are flat to me, what are other people going to think?

I'm already looking forward to editing this mess.

--azu

I'm procrastinating again. I've got a photo diary presentation due for Japanese tomorrow morning. Memorized. And NaNoWriMo. I'm so far behind right now that I have to do at least 2600 words a day just to make it by the end of the month. But still I push it back and procrastinate. This is not good. It's about 4587 light years from good.

And I'm hungry. Also very tired.

--azu

I'm doing NaNo again this year, which is crazy. This is also the year that I choose to be active in school and is the head of the World Committee and on student council. I must have been high or delusional when I signed up. As it is, I have a very very low word count right now. Not even enough for the first day. I just hit the initiating incident last night, so things are going to change!

The sad thing is, the stuff I'm writing now is crap. Everything is clunky and unnatural, and just drags on and on for no reason. Compared to the stuff I wrote a few years ago, I've unimproved. A lot. I think I've read too many manga, all pictures and no words.

I've got to work on the Remembrance Day assembly slideshow, ja~!

--azu

I went on MSN a few minutes ago and what I saw shocked me. I friend of mine had "Homosexuality is a disease, AIDS is the cure." on his name. Granted, I haven't talked to him much the past few years, but I was still really hurt by that. I felt like I've been slapped. How could I ever have thought that he was someone that deserved to be my friend? Shows you how much I know about reading people.

On a happier note, today my mom bought me "The Complete Works of Shakespeare"! It has EVERYTHING, illustrations, actually readable and clear text, and gold edges. It's also hardcover! *squees* XD I love it! To top it off, mom bought me Scrabble afterwards too! I had lost my old one during our moving last year. Yay~! ^__^

--azu

"Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?"
- Ernest Gaines
We would like to know who really believes in gay rights on LiveJournal. There is no bribe of a miracle or anything like that. If you truly believe in gay rights, then repost this and title the post as "Gay Rights". If you don't believe in gay rights, then just ignore this. Thanks.

So grade 12's finally started. I've been back in school for two weeks and it already feels like forever! This year I only have six classes (yay for two spares!), so I have to work extra hard to make sure Calculus doesn't drag my grades down. I'm also chairperson of World Committee and I'm sorta hoping to be one of the chairs for Grad Committee as well.

I must be crazy this year: I've got World Committee meetings on Mondays (Fridays if it's a holiday), student council meetings on Wednesdays, and Grad Committee meetings on Thursdays. So that leaves Tuesdays and Fridays to eat lunch and relax with my friends. Providing that I don't have some emergency meeting, preparing for event, make-up meeting to go to. x_x

But it's all fun. I've never thought that I'd enjoy being with so many people. I guess it's something to do with being grade 12 and being the oldest in the school. A lot of my fear and shyness has disappeared. ^__^

Another thing that's fun is CALCULUS! I was literally grinning and bouncing around in Calculus class. It's so much fun! When ro-chan came to pick me up from class (she had a spare) a hugged her and was just fan-girling about Calculus. I think I scared my classmates! ^_^;;; I really really love math! XD

--azu

Got back from Kingston Friday night and it was awesome! It was all rushrush for the whole week, and staying with The Brat strained my patience, but it was still very fun. It didn't rain once the entire trip!

We didn't do anything spectacularly interesting, it was all very relaxed and peaceful. Picnics, ice cream, parks, and lots of sunshine and grass. There were hardly any cars there. The most noteworthy thing that happened was the gathering of my mom's siblings in my aunt's house. Her siblings do visit each other a lot, but the four of them and grandma rarely ever get to spend time all together. The last time that happened was in Hong Kong in 2001.

The best thing was that they were all very musical. My aunt Janet plays the piano, my aunt May plays both the harp and the piano, and my uncle plays the violin. All three of them and my mom used to be in the choir, so we had a "concert" almost every night! They sang the Phantom of the Opera more than anything.

As a whole, the trip to Kingston was fun and enjoyable, and I would love to do it again. If I had to go with The Brat again though, I wouldn't do it for a million dollar.

Yesterday, mom and I went to watch Phantom of the Opera on stage! We left the house 20 minutes later than we planned and I was scared that we would be too late and wouldn't be let in. Luckily, we were right on time.

The show was fantastic, though I'm sure if the original Christine was singing it would've been better than the understudy we got. Still, it was incredible and I found myself falling in love with this all over again. I absolutely LOVE the Phantom! Do we ever find out what his name is? I seem to remember knowing the Phantom's real name, but I could've dreamt that...

We went to Tom Lee afterwards to buy the music book (easy piano version, of course), so now my mom and I are planning on praciticing the songs for when Aunt Janet comes visit us in December.

Now I'm going to catch up on my f-list and spend some quality time with Duo. Poor baby had to go stay with his teacher for the whole week!

--azu

Finally got around to looking at the OUAC application process today. It's confusing as hell. @_@ Who made up that stupid system anyway? Here in BC, things are straight forward: you choose a univeristy, go there and apply.

This led me to thinking about my choice of program, again. I've always loved history, especially the classics and the Renaissance, and languages. Mom, however, thinks that those things won't get me anywhere and wants me to choose something that can "make money" and is "useful". So I choose psychology. I have some interest in it, it leads to a "proper" job, everyone's happy. But lately, my relatives have been saying how it is an undependable job and not as fun as I think, etc. Now my mom is starting to nag me about choosing something else.

But I don't want to take something I don't like just because it can lead me to a "nice, steady, money-making" job. I want to study something that I like, that I have interest in. I believe that if I study something I like, there will be a good job for me, and I will have a good life.

I don't believe that studying something I don't like will lead me to a happier or more successful life. I really think that if you choose a path that you like, life will help you through it. Things will work out. I just know it. Besides, if you don't risk, you can't get anything. The bigger the risk, the bigger the reward.

I understand what my parents are concerned about, but I want to take this risk. I only live life once, I DON't want to be trapped studying something I don't like and having to live my life with it. I have a chance now to shape who I am, my future. I want it to be MY choice, something that I won't regret. Even if I do fail and end up struggling, I will be content knowing that I took a risk on something I believed in. I don't want to live a securely and suffer a lifetime of "what if's".

--azumi

BRAZIL LOST!! I could hardly believe my ears when my told me today. Brazil didn't even make it into the final four! Oh my beloved Brazil, what the hell are you doing this year? As much as I love them, I saw their game with... damn, forgot, well, it was their first match. And they were pretty bad. I thought they were just not doing their best on purpose, but unfortunately, I was wrong.

The most shocking thing was that ENGLAND lost too! On the same day too, can you believe it? Brazil and England, the two teams I support, both shot down on the same day. Who can I support now?

And for the record, my mom is happily dancing and rubbing it in my face. She's a France fan, if you were wondering.

--azumi

Happy Birthday Duo!

Yes, it's my beloved dog-son, Duo's birthday! He's now one year old! XD

--azu

It's spring break and I'm going to Toronto for the week!! I'm gonna visit three sets of relatives and three universities. @_@ Gonna be busy! Had to leave Duo and Nikki with their teacher though. It was so sad! Duo just stared at me with huge eyes, it was so heartbreaking..

Anyway, gone for a week, see you all then~!

--azu

I can't believe this. I JUST got my computer fixed and now, two weeks later, I get infected again. Apparantly, I've got major spyware/adware things that is taking my info right now. Nothing I do works! All the spyware/adware removal programs Windows recommends me need me to pay and register in order to delete the bots. >< That is SO UNFAIR!

Does anyone know any good free software that can take delete spyware, adwares and viruses? Also, what bought anti-virus and anti-spyware programs do you recommend? I desperately need help!!

--azumi

OMG, my laptop just DIED. Like DED. All my work! All my music! All my avatars and backgrounds! All my yaoi!!! >o<

Life hates me today.

What is with people and gay marriage? It's already DONE, it MAKES SENSE, it's RIGHT for crying out loud! And now everyone (I know of anyway) are saying to cancel that, to make it like before. To UNLEGALIZE it. >< WHY?? Why can't they have same rights as straight couples do? Have Christianity brainwashed everyone so much that we can't even see what is HUMAN RIGHTS and what is just OVERBOARD?

We let dangerous RAPISTS walk amongst people with only a warning to the community to be careful with our young girls and boys. We GIVE MONEY to druggies and even build SAFEHOUSES for them to get high and get "proper" drugs. But we DON'T give people who are in love the rights to protect the one they love and declare it to the world.

HOW CAN WE SAY WE ARE OPEN-MINDED, ACCEPTING, AND A COUNTRY THAT VALUES HUMAN RIGHTS??

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!

I can't believe it's Christmas already. It's only 20 more days until my birthday and I'm 17! ^__^ There's no snow this year, and we were all so happy because it snowed in late November. We all thought that we'd have a white Christmas this year, but it's rather warm.. >_>

Sadly, my house doesn't have decorations. No pretty ornaments, no lights, no Christmas tree, no presents. Yes, no presents. Not for humans anyway. Duo and Nikki got a sort-of present of treats that we sort-of wrapped, but that's it. The only thing that is Christmasy around here are the six cards I got from my friends which looks pitiful above our fireplace. Even for our Christmas non-celebrations this is sad.

I guess I really shouldn't complain, my mom did buy me a few things and are going to buy me more tomorrow. A book, a deck of Tarot cards, and possibly some clothes too. But it's different from opening presents and not knowing what it is. I guess everyone's just really busy and lazy this year.

Christmas is my favourite holiday, but I barely realized it was here. All I felt this break was that it was a good long weekend. *sigh* Maybe next year.

On a happier note, I'm writing again. ^__^ Though it is one of the challenge fics ro-chan likes to give me once in a while. She randomly chooses two characters in one of the fandoms I know (usually from a hat) and then closes her eyes and turns around. She opens her eyes randomly and the first thing she sees I have to write into the fic. Last year it was Seto Kaiba and Bakura from Yugioh with a pencil. This year, Fujimiya Aya and Brad Crawford from Weiss Kreuz with bird poop. >_> It is VERY random.

Anyway, Merry Christmas and enjoy your holidays! ^_~

--azu